Thoughts...

 Too many thoughts, too disjointed and generally not very positive...

State of the World

I've never been much of an optimist, but damn the world feels bleak. Technology progresses - we've got these ubiquitous and amazing smart phones - but that feels like about it. The economy is increasingly divided between the few who have and the masses who have not. Society is turning in on itself, perhaps for lack of a clear outside threat and the ease of blaming "them" for problems rather than looking for a solution. This year's pandemic has been a boost to the very ills already assailing us. Perhaps "us" is only the USA, but it feels even more widespread than that (perception bias?).

Personally, I'm fortunate on most of the points by not ending up at the bottom of the barrel. We've gotten off lightly here as far as infections. We're not locally plagued by wildfires or natural disasters. I've avoided the most divisive of political demonstrations or activism and the fallout thereof. And financially I can claim to be "okay," at least.

Even so, what I find sorely lacking in life is any sense of hope.

We'll have to see how the political stuff shakes out over the next few months, but I don't see even the best case there being able to radically shift the course of things in the near future and the pendulum seems to be swinging back and forth far too violently for any real improvement. I don't foresee any way the economy can change that would either benefit me where I am or make me feel confident in looking for a change. There was a time I would have looked forward to family or retirement or just a vacation - all those feel impractically distant in the best of cases. So, really, what is there to look forward to?

I sincerely don't know. Scattered moments of distraction by friends or entertainment to avoid thinking about the grinding, spiraling destruction of our society?

I could argue a chicken-or-egg situation with my depression and the perceived state of things, I suppose, but... ugh... I just want to put my head down and forget it for a while because that's the only way to get through the day.

State of the My Psyche

I feel pretty contrary of late, in all the wrong ways...

I kind of hate people. What's contrary about that? Well, I hate almost no one I interact with directly. In fact, I like most of them. And yet, I am so appalled at things I see happen in the world, tiny and large, that my faith in the average human may be rated in the negatives. But... but, I still try to hold myself to a higher standard and keep in mind that every other person out there really is a person with their own things going on and perspectives to deal with. I try to maintain a baseline of empathy toward everyone that is above neutral. Most of the time, I think I manage it too. Even if it seems odd to me that it's possible to both value and kind of despise billions of individuals.

I think I'd like them more if I saw any evidence they made a similar effort to value others.

On a smaller scale, I was reminded last night of how I felt about in-person roleplaying sessions (back when that was a thing). I enjoyed the chance to play. I enjoyed the opportunity to socialize with friends. I would also wrap up extremely drained by it. Introvert-me still craves interaction at times, but even the most positive of it could wipe me out. Heck, I tried hard to keep gaming to Saturdays particularly so I could rest and recover Sunday. Visits with my parents are similar (not that driving an hour each way helps) - enjoyable, but draining.

If there's a common thing to get in on (like a game), that usually works well for me. Without that, things slide into the realm of "small talk" and that just doesn't click for me. I find talking about myself and my life to be boring-as-fuck. Maybe I should find it more interesting since I have traveled abroad and seen things many people haven't, but even the most fascinating of those is my baseline "normal." And certainly I'm willing to try to listen to others, but it's often hard to engage when I don't feel much I have to say is worthwhile. Ergo, quiet and one-sided conversations can be a thing.

Online for me is... slightly different. For years that was on MU*s. Through the lens of a character, I could avoid some of the direct-communication anxiety and I made some long-lasting friendships (though I still wonder sometimes how that approach may have mis-colored perceptions). Putting characters aside... eh... things get awkward again. I feel similar anxiety with new people which makes it really easy to end up quiet and overlooked. I think this is a part of why the move to Discord from MUCK resulted in a big drop in my online involvement (another being the timing/scheduling of interactions).

And I don't know if there's hope of any of this getting any "better" either. I mean, I did force myself to join in on the Monday D&D game over voice chat that involved a couple people I hadn't met and that is, overall, going well. I worry a bit about the text-based Vampire game - I'm not sure I've properly motivated my character, or clicked with other players, or any number of other things - but I wanted to try at least. I've been offered invitations to a few other games, but they haven't appealed in one way or another enough to overcome my inherent reluctance. Perhaps the biggest thing I miss about Furryfaire (and a few other things) was just being able to log in and be a character.