Lamentations of a Jaded Gamer
Just as being a jaded moviegoer/reader makes it difficult to be surprised at all by "twists" in stories, I sometimes find myself missing the naive exuberance of being a new gamer. Instead, it's hard not to let metagame thoughts seep in and dispel any real sense of atmosphere. Genuine fear or horror in an RPG? Uhh... difficult for me to even fake, honestly. Surprise when the big-bad gets away or is revealed to be someone else? Yeah, not so much. Tension over scenes where the fate of the world hangs in the balance? Meh.
And that's in the games that actually have stories. When it comes to MUCK play - which is a far more common opportunity at least - there usually isn't more story than "well, here's a premise for a scene." And with such a... lack of complexity, that's even harder to make feel fresh or unique. It happens once in a while, but not often compared to the amount of time I'm logged in. And considering how rarely I come up with any such ideas, I'm loath to expect/demand it of anyone else.
That pretty much leaves the characters themselves to provide any sort of investment in the scene. And... well... I have almost as much trouble with those. I think I futzed over rules and concepts with some deliberate effort for more than a week before coming up with a character I was encouraged to make for an online World of Darkness game back at the beginning of the year - and the game never panned out. As I've said before, I can throw together a collection of system-based traits into something cohesive, but that does not create a character that is fun to watch and play in itself. I wish I knew how to flip a switch bring out that "spark of life" in a character, but it's not a trick I've figured out yet. Sometimes it just takes a moment of random inspiration, sometimes something in play makes it all come together, and sometimes it just doesn't happen and I'm left with a character that simply doesn't interest me. There's a metagame mystery there I'd pay money to solve.
Sadly, while I have such trouble making new characters, I've lost some old ones. Whether from total disuse or just being confined to limited circumstances, there are a number of characters whose "voices" are a struggle for me to find. Even an old favorite like Dove is difficult. Mika has been too much an idle avatar for me, it'd be very hard to play her as the Ryoko-and-Lina-Inverse-inspired demon sorceress she used to be. I greatly enjoyed my Exalted character, Alexandra, but her circle was such a big thing to her that losing that with the campaign makes the thought of solo play pretty dull. I probably couldn't play Killian or Shen at this point even if I tried. And characters that were essentially "NPCs" in my mind fade all the quicker because I was less invested in them to begin with. Citlalmina was sort of interesting, but I never intended to go much of anywhere with her, especially after the adventure she was a part of.
All of this is sort of depressing to discuss or even think about, to be honest. And that's probably a solid factor in why my mood often declines after logging in to Furryfaire in an evening. Facing it, wrestling with it, trying to force myself to come up with some scene/character/angle that will give me something to do that doesn't feel done to death. It is... disheartening at the least.
Try to end on a good note... I've felt a marked increase in interest playing Jezra after she was invited along on an undead-hunting expedition. Sure, the scene didn't go overly fast and she was out of place, considering combat isn't really a strong suit for her, but it meant being introduced and exposed to several other people. It opened up some doors. And since then, getting into even simple social scenes with that crowd has offered some uniqueness to the nights online. Even more interesting when it popped into my head that she was sort of attracted to one of these folks, leaving her with a bit of a crush on someone who was involved with someone else and wasn't showing any signs of "swinging her way" as it were. Ah, (minor) drama can be good in stories (admittedly less so in real life).
And that's in the games that actually have stories. When it comes to MUCK play - which is a far more common opportunity at least - there usually isn't more story than "well, here's a premise for a scene." And with such a... lack of complexity, that's even harder to make feel fresh or unique. It happens once in a while, but not often compared to the amount of time I'm logged in. And considering how rarely I come up with any such ideas, I'm loath to expect/demand it of anyone else.
That pretty much leaves the characters themselves to provide any sort of investment in the scene. And... well... I have almost as much trouble with those. I think I futzed over rules and concepts with some deliberate effort for more than a week before coming up with a character I was encouraged to make for an online World of Darkness game back at the beginning of the year - and the game never panned out. As I've said before, I can throw together a collection of system-based traits into something cohesive, but that does not create a character that is fun to watch and play in itself. I wish I knew how to flip a switch bring out that "spark of life" in a character, but it's not a trick I've figured out yet. Sometimes it just takes a moment of random inspiration, sometimes something in play makes it all come together, and sometimes it just doesn't happen and I'm left with a character that simply doesn't interest me. There's a metagame mystery there I'd pay money to solve.
Sadly, while I have such trouble making new characters, I've lost some old ones. Whether from total disuse or just being confined to limited circumstances, there are a number of characters whose "voices" are a struggle for me to find. Even an old favorite like Dove is difficult. Mika has been too much an idle avatar for me, it'd be very hard to play her as the Ryoko-and-Lina-Inverse-inspired demon sorceress she used to be. I greatly enjoyed my Exalted character, Alexandra, but her circle was such a big thing to her that losing that with the campaign makes the thought of solo play pretty dull. I probably couldn't play Killian or Shen at this point even if I tried. And characters that were essentially "NPCs" in my mind fade all the quicker because I was less invested in them to begin with. Citlalmina was sort of interesting, but I never intended to go much of anywhere with her, especially after the adventure she was a part of.
All of this is sort of depressing to discuss or even think about, to be honest. And that's probably a solid factor in why my mood often declines after logging in to Furryfaire in an evening. Facing it, wrestling with it, trying to force myself to come up with some scene/character/angle that will give me something to do that doesn't feel done to death. It is... disheartening at the least.
Try to end on a good note... I've felt a marked increase in interest playing Jezra after she was invited along on an undead-hunting expedition. Sure, the scene didn't go overly fast and she was out of place, considering combat isn't really a strong suit for her, but it meant being introduced and exposed to several other people. It opened up some doors. And since then, getting into even simple social scenes with that crowd has offered some uniqueness to the nights online. Even more interesting when it popped into my head that she was sort of attracted to one of these folks, leaving her with a bit of a crush on someone who was involved with someone else and wasn't showing any signs of "swinging her way" as it were. Ah, (minor) drama can be good in stories (admittedly less so in real life).
Note to self, make more stories.
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