(MUCK) Why I'm Not Playing More
Heavens know why, but someone said something recently that got me thinking about why I'm not involved more on Furryfaire these days. It's not a new, my lethargy there has been ongoing for years now, and there's no singular event. It's just a bunch of stuff building up over time. And any attempt to list points and analyze is sure to miss some things...
Setting-based Reluctance
I've never felt like Furryfaire was "my" sandbox to shape and play with. Of what influence I have tried to put into the setting over the years, I would say maybe a tenth has actually been included.
- I had a small, fallen island nation in mind in the background of a couple early characters, and that never appeared on anyone else's radar - my fault, probably, for not being loud enough. I still envision the crumbled remains of keep and city now beneath the waves.
- Threshold came under indirect control of one of my characters before it was made a central location. I had thoughts about what that should mean. I'm fairly certain I discussed some of that and I made a post here back in September of 2010. Pretty much none of that was taken into account.
- I came up with a divine justification for preventing uber-magics from wiping out cities at a mage's whim and such. I was even complimented on it. And it wasn't used when the situation came up.
About the only way in which I feel I might have influenced the setting deliberately is in shaping demonkind... and, to be honest, I have no idea how much of what I said there over the years was adopted as canon in any way.
I have influenced the setting to some small degree by having characters present and involved in some major plotlines. But while that writes my characters into lore, it doesn't make me feel like the world is any more "mine" to play with.
Thus... I really feel I have no say on the state of the setting. That leaves me... well, I'm going to say a little bit "afraid" to even try to run anything beyond little one-on-one roleplaying scenes. I feel as though any creativity I might try to put in will be contradicted or overruled. It's been that way for so long that it's just ingrained into my mind that any vision I might have for the place doesn't count.
System-based Reluctance
I referenced the Plot Point system before and how it was reasonably simple, but didn't really solve any of the problems that needed solving (particularly the power imbalance between characters) aside, perhaps, just being something. And that was back in November of 2010. As recently as January of this year, I was also expressing confusion over whether this system was even "active" for the MUCK. After going back and forth between different people, I was told "no." That hasn't stopped more people from adopting it, though, and even code being written for it. Given how this system rewards early buy-in, that's all the more frustrating.
While power and advancement is not highest on my priority list (which should be apparent by the fact that I've done any RP at all), the gross imbalance between characters does bother me. And it bugs me more to be told, efffectively, that I've missed out on a bunch of points by not making a "sheet" when I first made a character. It screws with my head in a spiraling fashion, because my gut reaction is to say "F@#*, I may as well not even bother now," which perpetuates the same situation and only makes it worse.
So from a purely mechanical standpoint, I feel as though there's no way a character of mine, existing or new, will ever be worth or be as capable as people who've been playing and using the system. It's like joining a D&D campaign and knowing your character will always be five levels behind everyone else - the best you can hope for is a niche where you're not overshadowed completely and that's unlikely given the number of people. It's psychology and it sucks.
Character Flaws
A lot of my issues getting into things on Furryfaire have to do with my own characters. It's hard enough to come up with an idea I like. Harder still to come up with an idea that also will work in the MUCK's environment, and I seem to still be missing the mark with that point.
Motivation is a big issue, and I think that comes from myself. I am not a particularly driven individual. I'm not bucking for promotion or looking for a better job/car/home. If I can get by, I'm satisfied. Unfortunately, that lack of ambition A) is boring and B) carries over. I have trouble imbuing my character with a motivation that supercedes my own. And an unmotivated character is pretty much purely reactionary.
I see that with Jezra. She could fight a little (well, with practice). She could build. She could take up a righteous cause as solinar/lunitar. But I haven't been able to give her the drive to pursue any of those things. So instead, scenes with here are... sitting around and idly talking with someone - which gets repetitive and boring fairly quickly, it's not exactly the escapist fantasy I might be wanting. She has only ever been involved in more excitement when someone else near at hand has been running something.
So such characters are reliant entirely on other players to have anything to do, and that's not particularly healthy for a MUCK, even if it might sum up a majority of players.
And what's the answer? Well, make a motivated character, right? Uhh... right. Somehow. As many things, that's easier said than done.
I also have to point out to myself that "shyness," while possibly endearing, is a detrimental character trait on a MUCK. As above, it just makes a character more reliant on others to be active.
The Meta-MUCK
The current state of MUCK from a high-level point of view is borderline infuriating. Seriously, think about it tends to piss me off...
- We have a headwiz who, so far as I can see, hasn't done much except come out occasionally to issue widely unpopular, absolute edicts that I often seem to find myself disagreeing with strong.
- We have a former headwiz who fights pretty much anything the headwiz does, to the point of gaining the site-owner's backing (desired or not) in possessing some form of veto power, making him for most practical purposes if not in name, the head wizard in spite of supposedly giving up the position a couple years ago.
While their styles and tones may differ, they both come across as inflexible, opinionated, and confrontational. They seem incapable of working together for more than short periods of time. They give conflicting messages about the setting and the management of the MUCK. And when they butt heads, it usually gives me a headache.
Worse still, I consider them both old and dear friends. That makes any conflicts more emotional for me. It also makes it hard to criticize or pick sides. But truthfully, they are both perfectly capable of driving me nuts with their behavior as MUCK staff.
Player Burnout?
Of course, even if I were able to make an outgoing, involved character, I'd have to keep up with them as a player. And I'm not sure I'm capable of that these days...
As someone else has said, nostalgia is powerful, but there are some things it can't do. I've changed. I've been subjected to so much fantasy and MUCK roleplaying that I really am more jaded than I was five or ten years ago. It's harder to surprise me, it's harder to interest me, and what does interest me has surely changed, though I'd be hard pressed to point to specifics in most cases. And while doing something good on the MUCK probably requires more effort for me now than it used to, I'm less willing to even put forth the same effort I once did.
I don't think there's much solution to that, honestly. Best case scenerio is mustering enough interest under current conditions to put forth current levels of effort into playing and hoping that's enough. Sometimes, usually on small scale, it works. I do still have fun MUCKing from time to time, but there haven't been very many scenes/plots/events that made me think about them outside the game and look forward to playing.
What do I like now? Well, tavern talk and social time are okay, I guess, but only in small doses. More than that is boring. I crave some story and a little adventure, but I really don't seem to have it in me to make that happen most of the time.
A Bottom Line
Uhh... "I suck?"
That's pretty much what it feels like. And the less involved I am, the harder it is to get involved again. Intertia's a bitch that way. I occasionally see things happening and want to be a part of them, but rarely manage the motivation to actually try past all the reasons not to. And when I find I've missed events, it usually makes me feel more disconnected from the place. The MUCK still serves as a means of communication with some people, but spontaneous roleplay? Not so much.
Setting-based Reluctance
I've never felt like Furryfaire was "my" sandbox to shape and play with. Of what influence I have tried to put into the setting over the years, I would say maybe a tenth has actually been included.
- I had a small, fallen island nation in mind in the background of a couple early characters, and that never appeared on anyone else's radar - my fault, probably, for not being loud enough. I still envision the crumbled remains of keep and city now beneath the waves.
- Threshold came under indirect control of one of my characters before it was made a central location. I had thoughts about what that should mean. I'm fairly certain I discussed some of that and I made a post here back in September of 2010. Pretty much none of that was taken into account.
- I came up with a divine justification for preventing uber-magics from wiping out cities at a mage's whim and such. I was even complimented on it. And it wasn't used when the situation came up.
About the only way in which I feel I might have influenced the setting deliberately is in shaping demonkind... and, to be honest, I have no idea how much of what I said there over the years was adopted as canon in any way.
I have influenced the setting to some small degree by having characters present and involved in some major plotlines. But while that writes my characters into lore, it doesn't make me feel like the world is any more "mine" to play with.
Thus... I really feel I have no say on the state of the setting. That leaves me... well, I'm going to say a little bit "afraid" to even try to run anything beyond little one-on-one roleplaying scenes. I feel as though any creativity I might try to put in will be contradicted or overruled. It's been that way for so long that it's just ingrained into my mind that any vision I might have for the place doesn't count.
System-based Reluctance
I referenced the Plot Point system before and how it was reasonably simple, but didn't really solve any of the problems that needed solving (particularly the power imbalance between characters) aside, perhaps, just being something. And that was back in November of 2010. As recently as January of this year, I was also expressing confusion over whether this system was even "active" for the MUCK. After going back and forth between different people, I was told "no." That hasn't stopped more people from adopting it, though, and even code being written for it. Given how this system rewards early buy-in, that's all the more frustrating.
While power and advancement is not highest on my priority list (which should be apparent by the fact that I've done any RP at all), the gross imbalance between characters does bother me. And it bugs me more to be told, efffectively, that I've missed out on a bunch of points by not making a "sheet" when I first made a character. It screws with my head in a spiraling fashion, because my gut reaction is to say "F@#*, I may as well not even bother now," which perpetuates the same situation and only makes it worse.
So from a purely mechanical standpoint, I feel as though there's no way a character of mine, existing or new, will ever be worth or be as capable as people who've been playing and using the system. It's like joining a D&D campaign and knowing your character will always be five levels behind everyone else - the best you can hope for is a niche where you're not overshadowed completely and that's unlikely given the number of people. It's psychology and it sucks.
Character Flaws
A lot of my issues getting into things on Furryfaire have to do with my own characters. It's hard enough to come up with an idea I like. Harder still to come up with an idea that also will work in the MUCK's environment, and I seem to still be missing the mark with that point.
Motivation is a big issue, and I think that comes from myself. I am not a particularly driven individual. I'm not bucking for promotion or looking for a better job/car/home. If I can get by, I'm satisfied. Unfortunately, that lack of ambition A) is boring and B) carries over. I have trouble imbuing my character with a motivation that supercedes my own. And an unmotivated character is pretty much purely reactionary.
I see that with Jezra. She could fight a little (well, with practice). She could build. She could take up a righteous cause as solinar/lunitar. But I haven't been able to give her the drive to pursue any of those things. So instead, scenes with here are... sitting around and idly talking with someone - which gets repetitive and boring fairly quickly, it's not exactly the escapist fantasy I might be wanting. She has only ever been involved in more excitement when someone else near at hand has been running something.
So such characters are reliant entirely on other players to have anything to do, and that's not particularly healthy for a MUCK, even if it might sum up a majority of players.
And what's the answer? Well, make a motivated character, right? Uhh... right. Somehow. As many things, that's easier said than done.
I also have to point out to myself that "shyness," while possibly endearing, is a detrimental character trait on a MUCK. As above, it just makes a character more reliant on others to be active.
The Meta-MUCK
The current state of MUCK from a high-level point of view is borderline infuriating. Seriously, think about it tends to piss me off...
- We have a headwiz who, so far as I can see, hasn't done much except come out occasionally to issue widely unpopular, absolute edicts that I often seem to find myself disagreeing with strong.
- We have a former headwiz who fights pretty much anything the headwiz does, to the point of gaining the site-owner's backing (desired or not) in possessing some form of veto power, making him for most practical purposes if not in name, the head wizard in spite of supposedly giving up the position a couple years ago.
While their styles and tones may differ, they both come across as inflexible, opinionated, and confrontational. They seem incapable of working together for more than short periods of time. They give conflicting messages about the setting and the management of the MUCK. And when they butt heads, it usually gives me a headache.
Worse still, I consider them both old and dear friends. That makes any conflicts more emotional for me. It also makes it hard to criticize or pick sides. But truthfully, they are both perfectly capable of driving me nuts with their behavior as MUCK staff.
Player Burnout?
Of course, even if I were able to make an outgoing, involved character, I'd have to keep up with them as a player. And I'm not sure I'm capable of that these days...
As someone else has said, nostalgia is powerful, but there are some things it can't do. I've changed. I've been subjected to so much fantasy and MUCK roleplaying that I really am more jaded than I was five or ten years ago. It's harder to surprise me, it's harder to interest me, and what does interest me has surely changed, though I'd be hard pressed to point to specifics in most cases. And while doing something good on the MUCK probably requires more effort for me now than it used to, I'm less willing to even put forth the same effort I once did.
I don't think there's much solution to that, honestly. Best case scenerio is mustering enough interest under current conditions to put forth current levels of effort into playing and hoping that's enough. Sometimes, usually on small scale, it works. I do still have fun MUCKing from time to time, but there haven't been very many scenes/plots/events that made me think about them outside the game and look forward to playing.
What do I like now? Well, tavern talk and social time are okay, I guess, but only in small doses. More than that is boring. I crave some story and a little adventure, but I really don't seem to have it in me to make that happen most of the time.
A Bottom Line
Uhh... "I suck?"
That's pretty much what it feels like. And the less involved I am, the harder it is to get involved again. Intertia's a bitch that way. I occasionally see things happening and want to be a part of them, but rarely manage the motivation to actually try past all the reasons not to. And when I find I've missed events, it usually makes me feel more disconnected from the place. The MUCK still serves as a means of communication with some people, but spontaneous roleplay? Not so much.
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