The Other Side

I've been debating what to do with this post. In a sense, I want to write things out for my own benefit. At that, I'm sorely tempted to lock it entirely. I think... I'll try setting it friends-only for now, though I worry it may make friends worry. Heh.


I've liked Abel as a character, but here... he's my hero or something: http://www.missmab.com/Comics/Vol_1084.php

I would not say these thoughts really have anything to do with my birthday, per se, even if they were on my mind through most of the day and have lingered beyond. Rather, they're always around, buried on the best of days and coming to the surface on the worst...

I cannot say I like myself.

There was a time I did, a time I felt my dreams and principles had value. More and more over the years, that's crumbled. My time in the SCA is sort of a microcosm for this, where my efforts never seemed to measure up and be worthy of notice, so even I stopped finding value in making that effort. I've seen the same thing happen with my generosity in general, as I've "fallen" to an attitude of covering my own ass and often being resentful when others fail to do so.

My idealism is... all but gone.

There was a time I genuinely felt that bringing a smile to someone else, even removed by miles of internet cable, made my day valuable and meaningful. Today, smiles are usually fleeting things for me, and getting myself to go a hairs breadth out of my way to cheer someone else is a struggle. Part of me says I've so bitter because I was sapped of my good will toward others, with insufficient appreciation when I needed it. But mostly, I think I just blame myself for failing to hold onto what I saw as the best of myself.

I lack purpose and motivation. I grasp at little goals in games like WoW just to have something because that's what my life utterly lacks. I have no wife. I have no child. I don't have a great desire for either. While friends may argue otherwise, no one truly needs me. Were I gone, everyone I know would be able to get by, though there might be emotional blows, that's all. I'm not supporting anyone (and I'd probably resent it on several levels if I were). I do my job and pay my bills, but I have no end goals, nothing I feel I must see or do before I die. I have routine, and I have distractions, and it seems like that's about all.

Some people may look at the situation and say I'm just stagnating, and need a change. But not online is this a poor economic time to take any great leaps, I think it would be... catastrophic to do so without more drive than I currently possess. For me to successfull change my job or residence or whatever, I would have to want something on the other side, and I simply don't. If I made a leap like this, I honestly think I'd do naught but fall flat.

But... for all that, don't think I'm suicidal. Miserable sometimes, perhaps, but not that. And why is honestly difficult to explain. I don't have any particular fear of death, simply because I don't have any particular love of life. It's certainly not religious conviction. But taking my own has not been a serious consideration for perhaps two decades, if ever. There was a time I was in the hospital, genuinely ill, and I concluded if I could go through that, nothing in life would be worth killing myself over. It was something of a promise to myself, and maybe that sunk in deeper than I would have guessed. Whatever the case, I don't entertain the idea of ending my life prematurely.