Blahs
Well, starting the morning off with a frustrating, looping software issue is one way to feel something other than ongoing malaise, right? A flickering ember of undirected anger instead...
It's definitely not been a great week for me on the mental-emotional front.
Though "alone" at work (ie. the other IT person has been out), things haven't been much busier than usual. Of late, the "usual" has been more boring than anything. I know enough to acknowledge that's not overall a bad thing, especially in any job that involves supporting others. It takes a different sort of psychological toll than being busy, however, rather than none at all.
I've been thinking a lot about the not-MUCK of Faire lately and I seem to have reached the conclusion that playing "there" isn't really for me. That is sad and frustrating and a bunch of other muddled emotions that I seem to be moving toward acceptance of. I'm just not there yet.
I've said pretty much everything I could about it before, albeit perhaps not all at once. My play time schedule does not mesh well either either the 1) act if you're there, constantly-moving scenes nor the 2) polite turn-taking, lengthy, detailed scenes. In either case, I end up feeling lost/bored/disconnected within a few days. The system is not bad, per se, but it's definitely being bent into things it wasn't designed for and shows cracks in many ways. The setting drifts further from the familiar in ways that don't really grasp my interest. Specific characters and events strain my suspension of disbelief and my connection to a grounded world. And while my character was meant to be a basically-good person would could fit in with most of whatever, she never clicked enough with others in the right way to get into an active clique.
Really, it feels like there are a lot of things pushing me away and nothing pulling me back in save a vague sense of "duty" and that all this is an existing forum of entertainment that could appeal in theory.
And, y'know, I'm not even saying all this isn't on me. The lyric "... we were never feeling bored. 'cause we were never being boring." has long held true in my mind and, yeah, I see myself as boring. I have done and seen things in my life that some people would be jealous of, and yet I've also spent most of it doing little or nothing. My lack of drive, whether in life or roleplay, is something I acutely feel... and regret. I would very much like to contribute more than just my presence, but...
So... I dunno... mopey me this week, I guess.
It's definitely not been a great week for me on the mental-emotional front.
Though "alone" at work (ie. the other IT person has been out), things haven't been much busier than usual. Of late, the "usual" has been more boring than anything. I know enough to acknowledge that's not overall a bad thing, especially in any job that involves supporting others. It takes a different sort of psychological toll than being busy, however, rather than none at all.
I've been thinking a lot about the not-MUCK of Faire lately and I seem to have reached the conclusion that playing "there" isn't really for me. That is sad and frustrating and a bunch of other muddled emotions that I seem to be moving toward acceptance of. I'm just not there yet.
I've said pretty much everything I could about it before, albeit perhaps not all at once. My play time schedule does not mesh well either either the 1) act if you're there, constantly-moving scenes nor the 2) polite turn-taking, lengthy, detailed scenes. In either case, I end up feeling lost/bored/disconnected within a few days. The system is not bad, per se, but it's definitely being bent into things it wasn't designed for and shows cracks in many ways. The setting drifts further from the familiar in ways that don't really grasp my interest. Specific characters and events strain my suspension of disbelief and my connection to a grounded world. And while my character was meant to be a basically-good person would could fit in with most of whatever, she never clicked enough with others in the right way to get into an active clique.
Really, it feels like there are a lot of things pushing me away and nothing pulling me back in save a vague sense of "duty" and that all this is an existing forum of entertainment that could appeal in theory.
And, y'know, I'm not even saying all this isn't on me. The lyric "... we were never feeling bored. 'cause we were never being boring." has long held true in my mind and, yeah, I see myself as boring. I have done and seen things in my life that some people would be jealous of, and yet I've also spent most of it doing little or nothing. My lack of drive, whether in life or roleplay, is something I acutely feel... and regret. I would very much like to contribute more than just my presence, but...
So... I dunno... mopey me this week, I guess.
*hugs*
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