Frustrating Psyche
Man, being pissed off at myself is tiring. It's also sort of self-fueling, as I hate the waste of time and energy of it. And yet it's one of those emotional gut reactions that's near-impossible to shake. The trigger is generally another emotional reaction that I dislike. Most recently, it's this competitive streak I have.
Yeah, I don't avoid PVP in games simply because the gameplay itself isn't fun. A big part of the reason I avoid that sort of entertainment is because I know I can get invested in winning to a problematic degree. Whether I win or lose (and yeah, I find losing frustrating), I face a part of me that I really don't like. And that, in turn, makes me angry with myself. I don't want to seek gratification at the expense of others. I find it distasteful and judge myself for it.
Playing Magic with friends was probably borderline. We played almost exclusively in group games, which slows the pace and definitely made it more casual in my mind. I think that helped me avoid the dangerously-obsessive levels of competitiveness I'm capable of. Though it did push me to spend a lot more on cards than was probably a good idea over several years.
Even in a PVE context, this can come up. In fact, this wrong aspect of my psyche is what kind of ruined Warframe for me. I thoroughly enjoyed the game for a number of months, pushing toward the next thing I could earn, and it was good. Then I started playing with other people and instead of looking toward the next thing I could attain, I was faced with things other people had - and judged my progress by theirs instead of my own. Instead of "well, I can grind for a week or so to get X," I started thinking "I'd have to grind for months to get Y." That frustrated me directly and led to self-reflection and annoyance at myself over feeling that way, and generally into a spiral that concluded with realizing the game was no longer fun.
And I really don't know if there's a solution. I can't very well stop my emotional reactions to things - pretty much by definition. Maybe, in theory, I could try to embrace those envious and competitive responses instead of fighting to reject them? Well, I'm not sure that sounds any more healthy, plus my rejection of them is very close to just as instinctive as they are to begin with. What's better: suffering through being a you that you don't like or suffering through the internal conflict of trying not to be a you that you don't like? Uhhh... yeah, that seems like a no-win situation there...
Yeah, I don't avoid PVP in games simply because the gameplay itself isn't fun. A big part of the reason I avoid that sort of entertainment is because I know I can get invested in winning to a problematic degree. Whether I win or lose (and yeah, I find losing frustrating), I face a part of me that I really don't like. And that, in turn, makes me angry with myself. I don't want to seek gratification at the expense of others. I find it distasteful and judge myself for it.
Playing Magic with friends was probably borderline. We played almost exclusively in group games, which slows the pace and definitely made it more casual in my mind. I think that helped me avoid the dangerously-obsessive levels of competitiveness I'm capable of. Though it did push me to spend a lot more on cards than was probably a good idea over several years.
Even in a PVE context, this can come up. In fact, this wrong aspect of my psyche is what kind of ruined Warframe for me. I thoroughly enjoyed the game for a number of months, pushing toward the next thing I could earn, and it was good. Then I started playing with other people and instead of looking toward the next thing I could attain, I was faced with things other people had - and judged my progress by theirs instead of my own. Instead of "well, I can grind for a week or so to get X," I started thinking "I'd have to grind for months to get Y." That frustrated me directly and led to self-reflection and annoyance at myself over feeling that way, and generally into a spiral that concluded with realizing the game was no longer fun.
And I really don't know if there's a solution. I can't very well stop my emotional reactions to things - pretty much by definition. Maybe, in theory, I could try to embrace those envious and competitive responses instead of fighting to reject them? Well, I'm not sure that sounds any more healthy, plus my rejection of them is very close to just as instinctive as they are to begin with. What's better: suffering through being a you that you don't like or suffering through the internal conflict of trying not to be a you that you don't like? Uhhh... yeah, that seems like a no-win situation there...
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