Introspection
I've often said, and almost constantly thought, that my life is plagued by a lack of goals. That's undeniably true. There is another aspect entwined with that, though.
Depending on how you look at it, I'm very lazy or very tenacious. That seems a bit contradictory, but most of it boils down to how I analyze things coupled with a desire to not half-ass something. It sounds like an odd mix, but when I do something, I really want to do it right. Theoretically, that should put me on a track to accomplish great things, but... I look at such paths and ask myself "where does this go, and do I really care?" That's where it often falls apart. Because my thought processes go right to that end point, I see no reason to event start.
Do I want to be married and have children? Well... not really. So why date?
Do I want to be physically fit? It might be nice, but it's not like I have anyone to impress or keep up with.
Do I want a better-paying job? Nice in theory, but worth throwing my life into disarray and uncertainty? Not so much to me.
Essentially, I talk myself out of trying a lot of things because the end point doesn't strike me as worth the effort. I need enough critical mass of drive around a goal to get going on anything.
But when I decide to do something... I'll drive solo through hundreds of miles of sandstorms even after a companion bows out in order to go to Disneyland. I'll pull a last minute overnight drive to get parents to Denver so they can catch a flight for their vacation. I sink my teeth into projects at work all the time.
"Do or do not, there is no try."
Of course, that's not to say I haven't tried and failed before, just that I don't like it. I sunk a (non-trivial at the time) amount of time and effort into SCA and light weapons fighting before I saw it really wasn't taking me somewhere I wanted to go. And college... ugh. That's got to be the biggest one.
But I'm better at predicting effort and value of reward these days. It just seems like my life might be better in some ways if that weren't the case...
Depending on how you look at it, I'm very lazy or very tenacious. That seems a bit contradictory, but most of it boils down to how I analyze things coupled with a desire to not half-ass something. It sounds like an odd mix, but when I do something, I really want to do it right. Theoretically, that should put me on a track to accomplish great things, but... I look at such paths and ask myself "where does this go, and do I really care?" That's where it often falls apart. Because my thought processes go right to that end point, I see no reason to event start.
Do I want to be married and have children? Well... not really. So why date?
Do I want to be physically fit? It might be nice, but it's not like I have anyone to impress or keep up with.
Do I want a better-paying job? Nice in theory, but worth throwing my life into disarray and uncertainty? Not so much to me.
Essentially, I talk myself out of trying a lot of things because the end point doesn't strike me as worth the effort. I need enough critical mass of drive around a goal to get going on anything.
But when I decide to do something... I'll drive solo through hundreds of miles of sandstorms even after a companion bows out in order to go to Disneyland. I'll pull a last minute overnight drive to get parents to Denver so they can catch a flight for their vacation. I sink my teeth into projects at work all the time.
"Do or do not, there is no try."
Of course, that's not to say I haven't tried and failed before, just that I don't like it. I sunk a (non-trivial at the time) amount of time and effort into SCA and light weapons fighting before I saw it really wasn't taking me somewhere I wanted to go. And college... ugh. That's got to be the biggest one.
But I'm better at predicting effort and value of reward these days. It just seems like my life might be better in some ways if that weren't the case...
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