Blars and RP
I'm in sort of a gray haze of "bleh" at present. On the up side, I can be pretty sure that a year ago this exact same situation would have put me in a downward spiral of black. Huzzah for medication!
I had a conversation online which, while kind of a bummer, is something I've been saying (or trying to, and perhaps being unclear) for a looong time now.
I'm not wholly unappreciative of one-off roleplay scenes, but at their best they tend to be 'a reasonably entertaining few hours.' In cases where they don't really align with my mood, they're more like 'difficult to pay attention to, but maybe better than nothing, I guess?' And just hanging out online without any actual playing has some social interaction value, but not much beyond that, especially when fumbling for shared interests to discuss or catch up on. All of that's at least a very minor positive.
The problem is, when I'm sitting through any of that, I'm generally wanting more. The MUCK is for roleplaying, and I want to play something a bit more than two people in a room. I want some interaction, some growth, some sense of narrative that isn't just characters going through their daily routine. I get quite enough daily routine in my own life, thanks. So any of that is dragged down by the way I'm telling myself in the back of my mind, "This could be so much better if you actually had some plot and GMing going on. Why aren't you doing that?"
I'm real good at quietly beating myself up over things like that.
So why don't I? It feels like I've gone over all that before, many a time. At one point, I was "the" regular GM of the gaming group I was in. I loved worldbuilding and bringing a story to life through roleplaying. I tried not to railroad, but the group players I dealt with were generally more reactive than proactive, so I had a lot of narrative control whether I wanted it or not. That worked. It was fun. I was generally praised. But I've really lost my edge since then. Less inspiration. Less drive. Less... perhaps willingness to overlook drawbacks. I think and analyze and often decide things won't work before I get too deeply involved. Only on very rare occasion does an idea grip me enough that I have to run with it.
I think a lot of factors have worn my creativity down. The routine of being a working adult is in there, especially with how central work has come to my life. I find a small measure of irony in there, considering my job is not as densely packed as others, often allowing me time to write things like this, but I very much am dedicated enough to drop everything, even during off hours, to do whatever it takes to get things functioning again at the office. I'd also have to say being on the computer at home so much between games and hanging out on the MUCK is a lot more distracting than the old days of curling up on the couch with a notepad and some RPG books to think about what would happen next in my campaign.
I have run some things on the MUCK ("campaigns" might be generous, but longer than scenes), and I've learned some lessons from watching others. A great big rule 1: Continuing scenes become exponentially difficult to manage as you add more people. That's why the MUCK has always run best (in my mind) when people were actively doing things in small groups that crossed over. Running with one other person is certainly easiest to organize, though it can sometimes be stagnant for the limited perspectives involved if there isn't any outside interaction.
So to run some sort of plot, I need an idea that's interesting to me. And it needs to pass my "does this work" analysis. The former is rare enough, but I've had some ideas fail at the latter. And that's where I get hung upon different interests at times, and that's led to mini rants about it here. A GM "should" tailor games to player interests, but if that doesn't match my own interest then there isn't a whole lot of point to pursue an idea.
And when no little incipient plot ideas make it through that whole psychological minefield, which is more often than not, I find it frustrating. Continuing frustration with oneself leads to grumbles and grayness...
I had a conversation online which, while kind of a bummer, is something I've been saying (or trying to, and perhaps being unclear) for a looong time now.
I'm not wholly unappreciative of one-off roleplay scenes, but at their best they tend to be 'a reasonably entertaining few hours.' In cases where they don't really align with my mood, they're more like 'difficult to pay attention to, but maybe better than nothing, I guess?' And just hanging out online without any actual playing has some social interaction value, but not much beyond that, especially when fumbling for shared interests to discuss or catch up on. All of that's at least a very minor positive.
The problem is, when I'm sitting through any of that, I'm generally wanting more. The MUCK is for roleplaying, and I want to play something a bit more than two people in a room. I want some interaction, some growth, some sense of narrative that isn't just characters going through their daily routine. I get quite enough daily routine in my own life, thanks. So any of that is dragged down by the way I'm telling myself in the back of my mind, "This could be so much better if you actually had some plot and GMing going on. Why aren't you doing that?"
I'm real good at quietly beating myself up over things like that.
So why don't I? It feels like I've gone over all that before, many a time. At one point, I was "the" regular GM of the gaming group I was in. I loved worldbuilding and bringing a story to life through roleplaying. I tried not to railroad, but the group players I dealt with were generally more reactive than proactive, so I had a lot of narrative control whether I wanted it or not. That worked. It was fun. I was generally praised. But I've really lost my edge since then. Less inspiration. Less drive. Less... perhaps willingness to overlook drawbacks. I think and analyze and often decide things won't work before I get too deeply involved. Only on very rare occasion does an idea grip me enough that I have to run with it.
I think a lot of factors have worn my creativity down. The routine of being a working adult is in there, especially with how central work has come to my life. I find a small measure of irony in there, considering my job is not as densely packed as others, often allowing me time to write things like this, but I very much am dedicated enough to drop everything, even during off hours, to do whatever it takes to get things functioning again at the office. I'd also have to say being on the computer at home so much between games and hanging out on the MUCK is a lot more distracting than the old days of curling up on the couch with a notepad and some RPG books to think about what would happen next in my campaign.
I have run some things on the MUCK ("campaigns" might be generous, but longer than scenes), and I've learned some lessons from watching others. A great big rule 1: Continuing scenes become exponentially difficult to manage as you add more people. That's why the MUCK has always run best (in my mind) when people were actively doing things in small groups that crossed over. Running with one other person is certainly easiest to organize, though it can sometimes be stagnant for the limited perspectives involved if there isn't any outside interaction.
So to run some sort of plot, I need an idea that's interesting to me. And it needs to pass my "does this work" analysis. The former is rare enough, but I've had some ideas fail at the latter. And that's where I get hung upon different interests at times, and that's led to mini rants about it here. A GM "should" tailor games to player interests, but if that doesn't match my own interest then there isn't a whole lot of point to pursue an idea.
And when no little incipient plot ideas make it through that whole psychological minefield, which is more often than not, I find it frustrating. Continuing frustration with oneself leads to grumbles and grayness...
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