Dark Days

I am not at all sure I shouldn't flag this private instead of friend-only. It's vaguely useful for my own records, but I don't want to worry others, especially since there isn't much that could be done anyway.


The weekend probably didn't leave me in the best of mindsets. They rarely do. Yesterday was a busy day at work, though not brutally so. The last hour or so of the workday was even quiet enough that I stumbled across a little slice-of-life comic to skim through. I already felt pretty down. I think reading high school relationship issues probably didn't help much. And having something to throw myself into probably would have been better than a quiet evening, even if it did give me the "chance" to go to bed early.

Overall, though, I find my mind in a pretty poor place. I'm trying to analyze while experiencing, but thinking about depression feels pretty depressing in itself.

I can, and do, put on a smile when talking to others, but it melts away pretty much the moment I move on. I've found myself unduly frustrated by coming in to find someone in my parking space at work, and by software issues. My mind spins through the lack of "worth" in my life, my lack of goals or motivation. These things are not totally abnormal, but they pile up. And they take a slightly darker edge than normal.

I feel cold. Certainly, the weather is cooler these days, but the office shouldn't be that different, and I'm wearing another layer. Is that purely physical, or not? I lack short-term motivation, but I haven't reached the level of lethargy that I have before - where I feel like I'm having to drag myself everywhere I go and breath is drawn against a crushing weight. I can tell, when I think about it, that my shoulders are tense, but I can't get myself to truly relax. We'll have to see if I have much appetite at lunch, though I would be surprised if I felt I wanted to eat rather than simply feeling like I should probably do so. I'm not at my worst, but I'm not good. I'm not even "okay" by my usual standards.

I've resolved to discuss this further with my doctor at my next appointment, which should be next month or thereabouts. I'm concerned at the next step, though. The St. John's Wort, taken regularly, hasn't prevented depressive moods. Has it helped? Maybe, there's no way to really know. But where do you go next? Talking to a psychiatrist? Actual medication? I suspect the former first, which really doesn't thrill me. I don't like opening up in depth, and I don't feel like doing so would actually help directly. What is anyone going to see in my thoughts and situation that 1) I haven't and 2) could possibly make things better. "Cheer up, your life isn't so bad!" Been there, tried that, doesn't change how I feel. "You're making things worse by focusing on the negative!" Uhh... yep. "Maybe you need a hobby or activity to do?" Sounds grand, but nothing appeals. Actually, hiking felt good, but it's sorta time consuming and not remotely as attractive in fall/winter weather. And no, something like going to the gym doesn't hold the same appeal. I just don't feel like any outside voice is capable of fixing whatever is wrong, even by leading me somewhere.

I feel like I need something... some interest, desire, ambition, goal... something to look forward to. I don't see how to get that. Or maybe I need to better appreciate what I do have, which seems to be another trick I don't know or have forgotten. Maybe not beating myself up about feeling bad would help, but I don't know how to turn that off.

Ultimately, I just don't know...