Some Words on Depression (and Games)
Yes, I've danced about a general "meh" feeling about my live for years - probably even getting closer to "decades." This is nothing new.
I've never been diagnosed with clinical depression, which may more may not be due to my never really allowing such by my general avoidance of doctors. I didn't bring it up at the physical I finally did get partly because I haven't had any major lows in quite a while and partly because I'm a stubborn bastard about it. What's he going to do anyway? I don't feel discussing my life with a therapist (which would be hard enough) would lead to any particular revelations. There might be drugs that would help, but I prefer to avoid reliance on such things. It's a conversation I might have with a doctor someday, but I don't feel the need at present.
Suicide is not a solution. Suicide is not an option. There's a promise I made to myself when I was hospitalized that means more to me than any religious convictions. If you worry about me because I'm not enjoying life, well sometimes that may be valid. If you're worrying about me because you think I might end my life, you can stop. That isn't me.
I do not think it's fair to say my waning interest in certain games relates in any direct fashion to whether I'm depressed. The closest connection there is: when I have less current entertainment options I'm interested in, I may exhibit less happiness. It's not direct, it's not absolute... my game involvement is a factor, but not a good metric to judge by.
For a looong time now, my main reason for involvement in Guild Wars has been to play some with . If she weren't there weekly, I probably would have stopped after Nightfall. The game very simply does not have that much appeal to me - even the Guild Wars Beyond content probably wouldn't have pulled me back in. So if I'm not enthusiastic to acquire new armor sets or whatever, it isn't depression, it's just that I don't feel the "journey" is work and the "reward" is something that doesn't give me any sense of accomplishment, so this equates to being not really worthwhile. Conquering the Underworld is similarly not any particular goal of mine. If that's declared as what we're going to do, I'll do it, but at that point my interest in it would benefit from more than one other person showing interest as well.
That group interest feeding aspect plays out in WoW too. When the guild is raiding weekly, I'm motivated to keep myself on the "cutting edge" of what I can, going for those incremental valor point upgrades or whatever. But since we haven't been seriously raiding since before the holidays, I find there isn't so much reason because no one is really depending on me to be at my best. Another motivating factor is a feeling of advancement (which GW's design utterly lacks for me), and now that we're in the final phase of Cataclysm there just isn't much of that. Important characters and professions are at max level, gear (at least on my main) is plenty good to be working in the hardest raid if we were doing so. So yes, my interest and involvement in WoW has waned too. It's not the first time.
And in MMOs, those are two main points that generate interest in me. I might add a sort of third. So we have:
- Group Involvement: The more interested friends/party members/guildmates are in something, the more interested I am. It's why I log in to these games on weekend nights, but how motivated I am to do much then depends on how many people are there displaying motivation of their own (GW is lacking with only a couple people even showing up Sunday nights, WoW is not as bleak but still shy of raiding numbers, and in TOR I rarely managed to play with one other person some nights).
- Advancement: The feeling that I'm improving my character or guild (GW hasn't offered much since getting a couple key skills while doing Factions, WoW still has some gear advancement options but they aren't important if not doing more challenging content)
- Story and World: It's sort of like advancement, really, but has nothing to go with gear - the feeling that I'm pursuing interesting stories or getting more involved in the world. Having new places to see and things to do can get me involved even if it's not story-heavy (GW has quests I haven't finished by the game has never made me feel in any way attached to them or the people behind them outside of the main story missions and those are played out now, WoW has a fair bit of content out there that I haven't seen but I'm not in any of it now since running a new alt up to the familiar Outland content, TOR was actually awesome at this up until reaching the end of a class quest chain)
When all three of those points are firing, you can damn well believe I'm into the game. When none of them are... well, I don't play. That's been the way it's been whether I'm happy with life in general or not.
And I think I'm entitled to lack enthusiasm about RPing a scene that feels to me like the same thing I've done hundreds of times before without it being labeled a sign of depression. In roleplaying, I'm less into stable familiarity and seeing new settings, and more into new interactions and some sense of adventure/challenge. I'm sorry (some days I might even say "agonized") that this doesn't mesh well with some people who I could be playing with more frequently, but personal preference is personal preference.
I've never been diagnosed with clinical depression, which may more may not be due to my never really allowing such by my general avoidance of doctors. I didn't bring it up at the physical I finally did get partly because I haven't had any major lows in quite a while and partly because I'm a stubborn bastard about it. What's he going to do anyway? I don't feel discussing my life with a therapist (which would be hard enough) would lead to any particular revelations. There might be drugs that would help, but I prefer to avoid reliance on such things. It's a conversation I might have with a doctor someday, but I don't feel the need at present.
Suicide is not a solution. Suicide is not an option. There's a promise I made to myself when I was hospitalized that means more to me than any religious convictions. If you worry about me because I'm not enjoying life, well sometimes that may be valid. If you're worrying about me because you think I might end my life, you can stop. That isn't me.
I do not think it's fair to say my waning interest in certain games relates in any direct fashion to whether I'm depressed. The closest connection there is: when I have less current entertainment options I'm interested in, I may exhibit less happiness. It's not direct, it's not absolute... my game involvement is a factor, but not a good metric to judge by.
For a looong time now, my main reason for involvement in Guild Wars has been to play some with . If she weren't there weekly, I probably would have stopped after Nightfall. The game very simply does not have that much appeal to me - even the Guild Wars Beyond content probably wouldn't have pulled me back in. So if I'm not enthusiastic to acquire new armor sets or whatever, it isn't depression, it's just that I don't feel the "journey" is work and the "reward" is something that doesn't give me any sense of accomplishment, so this equates to being not really worthwhile. Conquering the Underworld is similarly not any particular goal of mine. If that's declared as what we're going to do, I'll do it, but at that point my interest in it would benefit from more than one other person showing interest as well.
That group interest feeding aspect plays out in WoW too. When the guild is raiding weekly, I'm motivated to keep myself on the "cutting edge" of what I can, going for those incremental valor point upgrades or whatever. But since we haven't been seriously raiding since before the holidays, I find there isn't so much reason because no one is really depending on me to be at my best. Another motivating factor is a feeling of advancement (which GW's design utterly lacks for me), and now that we're in the final phase of Cataclysm there just isn't much of that. Important characters and professions are at max level, gear (at least on my main) is plenty good to be working in the hardest raid if we were doing so. So yes, my interest and involvement in WoW has waned too. It's not the first time.
And in MMOs, those are two main points that generate interest in me. I might add a sort of third. So we have:
- Group Involvement: The more interested friends/party members/guildmates are in something, the more interested I am. It's why I log in to these games on weekend nights, but how motivated I am to do much then depends on how many people are there displaying motivation of their own (GW is lacking with only a couple people even showing up Sunday nights, WoW is not as bleak but still shy of raiding numbers, and in TOR I rarely managed to play with one other person some nights).
- Advancement: The feeling that I'm improving my character or guild (GW hasn't offered much since getting a couple key skills while doing Factions, WoW still has some gear advancement options but they aren't important if not doing more challenging content)
- Story and World: It's sort of like advancement, really, but has nothing to go with gear - the feeling that I'm pursuing interesting stories or getting more involved in the world. Having new places to see and things to do can get me involved even if it's not story-heavy (GW has quests I haven't finished by the game has never made me feel in any way attached to them or the people behind them outside of the main story missions and those are played out now, WoW has a fair bit of content out there that I haven't seen but I'm not in any of it now since running a new alt up to the familiar Outland content, TOR was actually awesome at this up until reaching the end of a class quest chain)
When all three of those points are firing, you can damn well believe I'm into the game. When none of them are... well, I don't play. That's been the way it's been whether I'm happy with life in general or not.
And I think I'm entitled to lack enthusiasm about RPing a scene that feels to me like the same thing I've done hundreds of times before without it being labeled a sign of depression. In roleplaying, I'm less into stable familiarity and seeing new settings, and more into new interactions and some sense of adventure/challenge. I'm sorry (some days I might even say "agonized") that this doesn't mesh well with some people who I could be playing with more frequently, but personal preference is personal preference.
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