Exalted Musings
Brief bit of inspiration today, even if it doesn't answer the question the Storyteller of our Exalted game was thinking. What follows is in-character thought from the game. No interest in that and you can safely ignore this post.
Who am I, and who have I been? It's a question I wonder about at times, for we Chosen of the Incarnae are gifted - or perhaps burdened - by past lives. Ourselves, yet not.
I am Alexandra. Alexandra of Creation, the Tripartate addressed me as, and perhaps that is as accurate as anything. I might have been Alexandra of Nexus, but though I remember my youth in that city, I do not truly feel it anymore. Nexus is no more my home than any other city. I carry no sobriquet of renown, for I have no great deeds to claim. Truth be told, I'm not certain I ever will. Oh, I will be a part of great things, but I think few will be so much mine. I might once have claimed a connection to the Cult of the Illuminated in my name, but that feels increasingly distant.
In many ways, I suppose, who I am is yet in flux. It is hardly surprising for one who is young as well as being a practitioner of sorcery. Initiation into the circles, by its very nature, causes change. We make sacrifices to be able to tug upon the strands of Creation in such a way. Ayesha Ura warned her students of this, cautioning that sometimes we do not even know what we are giving up. And I have been thrust into a mantle of leadership that does not always fit well. There is so very much to learn with every step, but thankfully I have a circle of companions to help. I already owe them much, and they are as close to family as I know. Of course, that makes quarrels within even more difficult, but only so much can be done.
And then there are the people I once was. Only it was never me. I have heard stories of Chosen who carry their goals and connections from one life to the next. Most often, it does not feel so for me. As I have come to understand more, I have also come to wonder if I was meant for this. If things had continued on in Nexus, mayhaps I would have been chosen for the Twilight Caste rather than Eclipse. Or perhaps I would not have been chosen as all. Was my fate changed when the demon rose up that day and... I cannot say. With the changes, I doubt even Scarlet Naga of the Thousand Sorrows could say for certain what would have been. Perhaps I stand exactly where I was meant to.
I feel a familiarity for the city that now stands as Whitewall. Does that mean I was once its queen? I rather think not. It could be something as simple as the comparably warm greeting offered by the Syndics and the touching recounting of history told by Roshan. No, I do not think I was ever one of the most legendary of the Sun's Chosen. But then, there are a few things I "remember" of the past.
I remember being a young Chosen of the Sun, in the scale of such things. She was older than I am now, but it was the pinnacle, perhaps, of the First Age and the Deliberative held sway. There was not the same hurry to become Creation's salvation or assault the Primordials. She held the memory herself of having seen Auric, and been told he was her father. It occurred during a celebration of some sort, and from afar. She wished to live up to his legacy and stand in the Sun's golden light just the same, thus her exaltation was a joyous thing. And yet, I have no recollection that they ever met face-to-face. I have thought on this life a great deal, and still can find no such incident. What I have concluded, however, is that she had no more than a couple dozen years as a Solar under her belt before the Usurpation and she was certainly not the adept at sorcery that I have become. Since Lytek's gift, I remember her surprise - an utter lack of comprehension, for she had no understanding of why such a thing would happen. She was stricken down by a fire-wreathed general who had, scant months before, made friendly jest while helping her tour the lands inherited from her own previous incarnations. From my perspective, the fleeting image of his face seems pained with doubt amidst his resolve, but at the same time I can feel that she never saw that. I think it was a horrible day for the both of them.
I remember venturing into darkness. At one time, I thought such imagery but simple dreams. Since the Shogun of Exaltation's touch, I have begun to realize they are more. Faces, shapes, and feelings - ever just out of focus and just out of reach. I think, perhaps, this self of mine ventured into the Underworld. And yet, that does not capture the feeling of those memories. There was more than the feeling of the dead, the breath of demons, and the sun that is not the Sun. This self steeled himself - or herself, I cannot be certain of gender - against presences so vast they were neigh incomprehensible. Companions stood alongside in the quest into a place of darkness beyond any I have known, but still there was a certain feeling of being alone, as though leading the way into a situation where a wrong move would mean none could aid in time. I find myself greatly curious over this person and their agenda. I also find it terrifies me at times to think of it.
Otherwise... I do not see any past lives so clearly. I know there have been sorcerers, for I remember spells cast against beings that must have been fragments of the Primordials. I think more than one of my incarnations has bent mortal lords to their will by words alone. I suspect at least one of my predecessors studied under Five Days Darkness before, his style of martial arts seeming so familiar and most weapons so foreign. All of these things I have called upon in bits and pieces, but without clear recollection of who learned them first within my line of incarnations or how. Those lives influence me, though they may not be me. We are of different times and different circumstance, so it seems unlikely I would mirror any of them directly.
And yet, I wonder often if I should try to dig deeper and find those old ties. Doubly-so when I see something to remind me they exist. The appearance of Vee, Nightlily's bonded Lunar mate, makes me wonder of my own. What are they like? What were they like? I feel as though such answers are locked somewhere just out of reach, images within mist that scatter when I try to grasp at them. It is a curiosity, and at times a concern.
I suppose I know what I need to know. If the Unconquered Sun deems I should know more, then I will welcome that knowledge when it comes.
Who am I, and who have I been? It's a question I wonder about at times, for we Chosen of the Incarnae are gifted - or perhaps burdened - by past lives. Ourselves, yet not.
I am Alexandra. Alexandra of Creation, the Tripartate addressed me as, and perhaps that is as accurate as anything. I might have been Alexandra of Nexus, but though I remember my youth in that city, I do not truly feel it anymore. Nexus is no more my home than any other city. I carry no sobriquet of renown, for I have no great deeds to claim. Truth be told, I'm not certain I ever will. Oh, I will be a part of great things, but I think few will be so much mine. I might once have claimed a connection to the Cult of the Illuminated in my name, but that feels increasingly distant.
In many ways, I suppose, who I am is yet in flux. It is hardly surprising for one who is young as well as being a practitioner of sorcery. Initiation into the circles, by its very nature, causes change. We make sacrifices to be able to tug upon the strands of Creation in such a way. Ayesha Ura warned her students of this, cautioning that sometimes we do not even know what we are giving up. And I have been thrust into a mantle of leadership that does not always fit well. There is so very much to learn with every step, but thankfully I have a circle of companions to help. I already owe them much, and they are as close to family as I know. Of course, that makes quarrels within even more difficult, but only so much can be done.
And then there are the people I once was. Only it was never me. I have heard stories of Chosen who carry their goals and connections from one life to the next. Most often, it does not feel so for me. As I have come to understand more, I have also come to wonder if I was meant for this. If things had continued on in Nexus, mayhaps I would have been chosen for the Twilight Caste rather than Eclipse. Or perhaps I would not have been chosen as all. Was my fate changed when the demon rose up that day and... I cannot say. With the changes, I doubt even Scarlet Naga of the Thousand Sorrows could say for certain what would have been. Perhaps I stand exactly where I was meant to.
I feel a familiarity for the city that now stands as Whitewall. Does that mean I was once its queen? I rather think not. It could be something as simple as the comparably warm greeting offered by the Syndics and the touching recounting of history told by Roshan. No, I do not think I was ever one of the most legendary of the Sun's Chosen. But then, there are a few things I "remember" of the past.
I remember being a young Chosen of the Sun, in the scale of such things. She was older than I am now, but it was the pinnacle, perhaps, of the First Age and the Deliberative held sway. There was not the same hurry to become Creation's salvation or assault the Primordials. She held the memory herself of having seen Auric, and been told he was her father. It occurred during a celebration of some sort, and from afar. She wished to live up to his legacy and stand in the Sun's golden light just the same, thus her exaltation was a joyous thing. And yet, I have no recollection that they ever met face-to-face. I have thought on this life a great deal, and still can find no such incident. What I have concluded, however, is that she had no more than a couple dozen years as a Solar under her belt before the Usurpation and she was certainly not the adept at sorcery that I have become. Since Lytek's gift, I remember her surprise - an utter lack of comprehension, for she had no understanding of why such a thing would happen. She was stricken down by a fire-wreathed general who had, scant months before, made friendly jest while helping her tour the lands inherited from her own previous incarnations. From my perspective, the fleeting image of his face seems pained with doubt amidst his resolve, but at the same time I can feel that she never saw that. I think it was a horrible day for the both of them.
I remember venturing into darkness. At one time, I thought such imagery but simple dreams. Since the Shogun of Exaltation's touch, I have begun to realize they are more. Faces, shapes, and feelings - ever just out of focus and just out of reach. I think, perhaps, this self of mine ventured into the Underworld. And yet, that does not capture the feeling of those memories. There was more than the feeling of the dead, the breath of demons, and the sun that is not the Sun. This self steeled himself - or herself, I cannot be certain of gender - against presences so vast they were neigh incomprehensible. Companions stood alongside in the quest into a place of darkness beyond any I have known, but still there was a certain feeling of being alone, as though leading the way into a situation where a wrong move would mean none could aid in time. I find myself greatly curious over this person and their agenda. I also find it terrifies me at times to think of it.
Otherwise... I do not see any past lives so clearly. I know there have been sorcerers, for I remember spells cast against beings that must have been fragments of the Primordials. I think more than one of my incarnations has bent mortal lords to their will by words alone. I suspect at least one of my predecessors studied under Five Days Darkness before, his style of martial arts seeming so familiar and most weapons so foreign. All of these things I have called upon in bits and pieces, but without clear recollection of who learned them first within my line of incarnations or how. Those lives influence me, though they may not be me. We are of different times and different circumstance, so it seems unlikely I would mirror any of them directly.
And yet, I wonder often if I should try to dig deeper and find those old ties. Doubly-so when I see something to remind me they exist. The appearance of Vee, Nightlily's bonded Lunar mate, makes me wonder of my own. What are they like? What were they like? I feel as though such answers are locked somewhere just out of reach, images within mist that scatter when I try to grasp at them. It is a curiosity, and at times a concern.
I suppose I know what I need to know. If the Unconquered Sun deems I should know more, then I will welcome that knowledge when it comes.
Well done. :) I like self-reflection for characters. 4 XP. :)
ReplyDelete