(no subject)
This one is personal enough to get flagged friends-only, yepyep. Sometimes writing (typing) things out is the only way to put my thoughts to words. Sometimes even that doesn't help.
So after some talk last week (mostly after six, while I was on my night shift), Linda mentioned she was into geocaching and I thought I'd give that a try with her. Sunday was, I suppose, our "first date." So I went over to her place, had breakfast, loaded some coordinates in her GPS, and we set out. One cache was near the road. Others involved some hiking. The one near X-Rock we didn't manage to find. Those GPS's can be tricky once you get close to the target (I can only hope military ones are better).
Then we went back to her apartment, snuggled, shared back massages, kissed and snuggled some more, she made dinner, and we watched a movie in her living room. That was... way more than I expected, and I didn't manage to limp (pulled something hiking, in spite of what you may think) home after eleven o' clock. It was certainly not my intent to stay out that late. I barely dragged myself out of bed this morning, and I'm still wiped and sore. And thoughtful.
Work. I've never really been comfortable socializing at work, and I'm still not. It isn't just a matter of not wanting to share my private life with coworkers. Mostly, I don't care what they know about my home life. But there's a matter of mindset too. At work sometimes I'm busy and don't want to have my work derailed. Even when I'm not busy, I'm mentally prepared to drop anything I may be occupying myself with in order to go help someone. If I'm talking about a movie, or how nice a day was, that mindset is disrupted. I can do casual, I can do professional, but I don't flip-flop well. Once in a while isn't too big a deal, but spending half an hour during an evening shift (or several in a row) talking makes me feel like I'm failing to do my job whether or not there actually was anything that needed my attention during that time. Never knowing when this might happen is similarly disruptive to my concentration. We already share looks and soft-spoken words in passing, so I feel like leaving my office will result in some small moment of awkwardness here or there.
Calls. I'm not much of a talker (she's more talktative, but very soft-spoken), I think that's apparent to most that know me. I only have a cell phone because the Herald decided I needed one to be reachable for any after-hours problems at work, and it almost only gets used for that. When it rings, I expect someone is having problems with an ad/page and if I can't solve it over the phone, I'll have to go in to work. That's also a reason I don't take many trips - either David or I have to be contactable. Anytime I leave town, I have to make sure he's aware and will be available and vice versa. I took a chance going geocaching for the day that I probably shouldn't have, but we didn't get too far out of touch.
Sunday. That was a very nice day all in all. I can't think of anything we did that I disliked. Unfortunately, that scares me. A lot. A geocaching trip turned into that, breakfast, dinner, a movie, and lots of snuggling and kissing. For a "first date," things moved really fast. I was trying to see how a friendship would work, and we seem to have blown by that. I thought the hugging was okay, but I'd draw a line and not kiss. And yet we crossed that line by leaps and bounds too. So we did pretty much everything I might have hoped for in the long run, just in one day. That's a little bit mind-boggling. But it also causes a little disappointment and dismay within me. There really isn't more I want to do. I don't want sex. I don't want marriage. I certainly don't want kids. So I suppose I'm disappointed because it all happened so quickly. And I'm dismayed because I let it. I'm not saying I wasn't willing, but I let things go further than I expected or may have really wanted the first time. I didn't even really want to spend my entire day, from dragging myself out of bed to a brief check-in online and collapsing back in bed, out. And if I couldn't say no through all of that, I'm worried about whether I can stick to my guns on anything else.
Tied in to those wants of mine is another big concern. The attraction doesn't feel... as mutual as it could/should? I enjoyed spending time together. I enjoyed sharing back rubs. I enjoyed snuggling and kissing. But while all this was pleasant, I didn't feel the same passion. I can hug close and kiss back just as deeply, but I was losing myself in a moment that was nice rather than one that made me want to praise the heavens and cling to it forever. I haven't been left blissful and euphoric, with my head in the clouds. I don't think I've ever actually "lost myself in someone's eyes." Maybe I never will. Even at my most involved, my mind was not clear of thoughts about aches from hiking, critical concerns of what might be expected to come, or increasing hunger and the hour growing late. I think that's more the way I'm wired than any reflection of who I'm with. But ultimately, it seems like any passion in a relationship should be shared and mutual. In this case, it feels one-sided to me and that isn't really fair.
This all feels backwards and upside-down from the stereotypes we're shown. The guy is the one with a lack of desire and (apparently) more reservations. I'm the one who wants to be "just friends," but I'm not sure that is even an option now, considering how quickly things have gone. I expect visits at work and calls at home, and I'm already feeling smothered by the attention. Any new relationship is bound to have some missteps, I presume, but this one has actually fallen in the precise range of where I enjoy it just enough to be wildly uncomfortable with that enjoyment and feel my personal self is being infringed upon without reaching the level of me being head over heels "in love."
So after some talk last week (mostly after six, while I was on my night shift), Linda mentioned she was into geocaching and I thought I'd give that a try with her. Sunday was, I suppose, our "first date." So I went over to her place, had breakfast, loaded some coordinates in her GPS, and we set out. One cache was near the road. Others involved some hiking. The one near X-Rock we didn't manage to find. Those GPS's can be tricky once you get close to the target (I can only hope military ones are better).
Then we went back to her apartment, snuggled, shared back massages, kissed and snuggled some more, she made dinner, and we watched a movie in her living room. That was... way more than I expected, and I didn't manage to limp (pulled something hiking, in spite of what you may think) home after eleven o' clock. It was certainly not my intent to stay out that late. I barely dragged myself out of bed this morning, and I'm still wiped and sore. And thoughtful.
Work. I've never really been comfortable socializing at work, and I'm still not. It isn't just a matter of not wanting to share my private life with coworkers. Mostly, I don't care what they know about my home life. But there's a matter of mindset too. At work sometimes I'm busy and don't want to have my work derailed. Even when I'm not busy, I'm mentally prepared to drop anything I may be occupying myself with in order to go help someone. If I'm talking about a movie, or how nice a day was, that mindset is disrupted. I can do casual, I can do professional, but I don't flip-flop well. Once in a while isn't too big a deal, but spending half an hour during an evening shift (or several in a row) talking makes me feel like I'm failing to do my job whether or not there actually was anything that needed my attention during that time. Never knowing when this might happen is similarly disruptive to my concentration. We already share looks and soft-spoken words in passing, so I feel like leaving my office will result in some small moment of awkwardness here or there.
Calls. I'm not much of a talker (she's more talktative, but very soft-spoken), I think that's apparent to most that know me. I only have a cell phone because the Herald decided I needed one to be reachable for any after-hours problems at work, and it almost only gets used for that. When it rings, I expect someone is having problems with an ad/page and if I can't solve it over the phone, I'll have to go in to work. That's also a reason I don't take many trips - either David or I have to be contactable. Anytime I leave town, I have to make sure he's aware and will be available and vice versa. I took a chance going geocaching for the day that I probably shouldn't have, but we didn't get too far out of touch.
Sunday. That was a very nice day all in all. I can't think of anything we did that I disliked. Unfortunately, that scares me. A lot. A geocaching trip turned into that, breakfast, dinner, a movie, and lots of snuggling and kissing. For a "first date," things moved really fast. I was trying to see how a friendship would work, and we seem to have blown by that. I thought the hugging was okay, but I'd draw a line and not kiss. And yet we crossed that line by leaps and bounds too. So we did pretty much everything I might have hoped for in the long run, just in one day. That's a little bit mind-boggling. But it also causes a little disappointment and dismay within me. There really isn't more I want to do. I don't want sex. I don't want marriage. I certainly don't want kids. So I suppose I'm disappointed because it all happened so quickly. And I'm dismayed because I let it. I'm not saying I wasn't willing, but I let things go further than I expected or may have really wanted the first time. I didn't even really want to spend my entire day, from dragging myself out of bed to a brief check-in online and collapsing back in bed, out. And if I couldn't say no through all of that, I'm worried about whether I can stick to my guns on anything else.
Tied in to those wants of mine is another big concern. The attraction doesn't feel... as mutual as it could/should? I enjoyed spending time together. I enjoyed sharing back rubs. I enjoyed snuggling and kissing. But while all this was pleasant, I didn't feel the same passion. I can hug close and kiss back just as deeply, but I was losing myself in a moment that was nice rather than one that made me want to praise the heavens and cling to it forever. I haven't been left blissful and euphoric, with my head in the clouds. I don't think I've ever actually "lost myself in someone's eyes." Maybe I never will. Even at my most involved, my mind was not clear of thoughts about aches from hiking, critical concerns of what might be expected to come, or increasing hunger and the hour growing late. I think that's more the way I'm wired than any reflection of who I'm with. But ultimately, it seems like any passion in a relationship should be shared and mutual. In this case, it feels one-sided to me and that isn't really fair.
This all feels backwards and upside-down from the stereotypes we're shown. The guy is the one with a lack of desire and (apparently) more reservations. I'm the one who wants to be "just friends," but I'm not sure that is even an option now, considering how quickly things have gone. I expect visits at work and calls at home, and I'm already feeling smothered by the attention. Any new relationship is bound to have some missteps, I presume, but this one has actually fallen in the precise range of where I enjoy it just enough to be wildly uncomfortable with that enjoyment and feel my personal self is being infringed upon without reaching the level of me being head over heels "in love."
Honestly? I see no reason why she shouldn't see this. Trim it some if you wish, but you're bringing up a lot of concerns that she should be aware of, and as you said, you're not one to usually talk much, so being able to say this is probably not something you could do easily. She might learn more reading it. Yes, you may want to trim some of this, but overall, I think these are valid concerns, and she should be aware of them. And maybe just saying it isn't enough -- she may not comprehend it quite as well as if she reads it. Your call, but communication is, as we both know, important.
ReplyDeleteI sort of wrote this with that in mind. Even had to make sure I hadn't put in any "you"s before posting here. I suppose I felt I should share for outside advice first and I've been contemplating the value of waiting to see how today and/or tomorrow pan out before sharing it. Jumping the gun usually creates problems, but I don't want to drag my heels either. I was considering more at lunch and (in addition to being slightly disturbed by the amount of thought this situation is begging from me) I thought back and remember how she feels. I have been giddily happy to be around someone before. Still, I don't feel that way now.
ReplyDeleteYou at least put forth the effort to see where things went. Apparently they progressed in a manner you weren't prepared for, entirely (Yet were, you let it occur) If they care for you, they will respect your boundaries. If you care for them, you will let them know your feelings. As far as 'mutual' elation? Pfft! Some people are more into a situation than others, some aren't. You mention all the thigns going on in your mind, how you could not just 'get into' being in the now with that person. That might just be how you are, that you've set yourself up, mentally, to always be thinking of other things, to have many minds. Some might call that a problem, but do you?
ReplyDeleteIn general, not so much. In specific... yes. I think I feel it's unfair for attraction of that degree to be one-sided. It means I'm more playing toward expectation than acting on how I actually feel - that lack of sincerity, for lack of a better way to put it, isn't fair to her and doesn't feel right to me.
ReplyDelete