Perspective

Yesterday was one of those days that reminds me of what my life is not and, in turn, what it is.

Some people thrive in the city. They go to clubs. They party. They look for adventure in 'everyday life.' ... That's not me. I don't feel comfortable at large social functions. I feel worse about the bar/club scene. I don't feel a need to 'do something' every night. While other people have fled this town and cursed it as boring, the pace and feel of it suits me just fine. So now I wonder about that. Some of it is simple choice, but I think some of it comes from seeing the world differently from those people.

Why? I could point to several experiences in my youth, but I don't know if I can truly assign all blame there. My mother and I moved a lot in my pre-high school years. Does that really explain why I seem to bond with people so differently that what seems to be the 'norm?' Does that explain why it's *work* for me to find proper anecdotes for a topic of conversation?

I'm familiar with my perspective. I can even see where most people around me are coming from. I cannot, however, explain why the difference is there.

Comments

  1. alynnwellsAugust 1, 2005 at 10:05 AM

    And some of us could go either way. I enjoy going out and doing things. I also enjoy staying home and reading, or finding entertaining ways to spend time in the company of my friends. It's what I did when I lived in a city of 15,000; it's what I do when I live in a city of just under a million; and it's what I did when I lived in New England and the cities all ran into each other and become one big city from Boston down to D.C. or Baltimore. I'm firmly of the opinion that whatever makes you happy is the best thing for you. My only concern for you has always been that you don't seem to be happy. A lot of the time. And you don't seem interested in doing anything to change that. I observed about someone in the SCA shortly before I left Durango that I thought being unhappy was what made him happy. His wife didn't argue with me. I can't help thinking it's too early for you to become a grumpy old man. Please don't think this is part of my continued campaign to get you to Tucson. That's largely in jest, because I don't ever see it happening and I like being around you. And please don't see this as preaching, becaues that's so not how it's intended. I care about you, chico. A hell of a lot. If you weren't allergic to children, I like to think maybe we'd have looked a little harder to see if there was some kind of a spark there. I'd *like* to see you happy more often.

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  2. marinredwolfAugust 1, 2005 at 10:37 AM

    You do have a good point. In fact, it's something I thought about remarking on, but the thought collection process didn't work out while I was writing the post. For what it's worth, the raise a few months back as helped a bunch. Work is no longer "That place where I am completely neglected," and that was something that weighed on me for far too long. So I'm definitely not as depressed as I used to be. But it's probably still fair to say that I am far more often "content" than "happy." The question then is what would make me happier? It's clearly not spending several hours at a shire meeting where I feel like an outsider. And it's not going to hang out at a bar/club. I can say I enjoy reading a good book, playing a good video game, or roleplaying - but it seems relatively rare that any of those things literally makes me smile inside and out. Is being content with occasional ups and downs a good enough way to live?

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  3. kyn_elwynnAugust 1, 2005 at 10:51 AM

    For some, yes that is. Do you feel good when with friends, watching a film or just hanging out? Do you feel happy when your charatcers accomplish something in an RPG? Do you enjoy having completed a video game you've been working at for weeks? Are you merely content, or actually brightened to know you're loved? *big tiger hugs*

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  4. marinredwolfAugust 1, 2005 at 11:06 AM

    Usually. Sometimes. Usually. Some of both from time to time. And: Awwww. All warm and fuzziness. :)

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  5. alynnwellsAugust 1, 2005 at 11:28 AM

    Is it good enough? You're the only one who knows the answer to that. :) What makes me happy is being with my friends. It's why I was so miserable in Casa Grande, even though the job paid well and wasn't demanding. But I imagine that's one of those things that's different for everyone.

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  6. slydyrAugust 12, 2005 at 10:25 PM

    Hey, what you wrote made me think, for sometime. Actually, several of your posts have made me think, and I haven't formulated a deffinitive thought about them yet, but I'd like to talk to you about them sometime. I never really thought of Durango as borring, but more to the point, I never looked at it as a place where i could get where I thought I wanted to be. On the other hand, I don't think my thoughts on where i wanted to be weren't something I gave enough thought too, in retrospect. While I don't have any real advice, and god knows I don't see you, or interact with you very much anymore, your words made me realize that though I am happy, I am not content with my place, and I don't remember if I ever have been truly content and happy in any one place I've been. I am happiest rolling out on the truck, up to my wrists in blood and pieces of a car, and with a forty foot flame rolling over my head. Fighting the good fight. More so than SCA combat allows. Especially in these overly political times that are happening.I know that I am happy when I'm with Jen, but I know that that can only take me so far towards contentedness. Durango always seems like, well, rest, to me... I like it for that. I still envy those of us that were able to stay there for that reason. I think that the last few years that I was there were as close to happy and content as I have been... right up until I felt like I had to go be drive to do more for some reason... Like I said, I really don't have any advice to give, but what you wrote made me think alot. Thanks :)

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  7. marinredwolfAugust 16, 2005 at 12:08 PM

    Interesting thoughts, and I'm glad I could cause them. ;) T'was really good to see you Sunday, too. It's been quite a while.

    ReplyDelete

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