A Lost Soul

Part of yesterday's strangeness was a trip to the local shire meeting. I haven't been to one in... a long time. Heck, I haven't been to an SCA event in years.

More than anything, it made me feel lost. There was a time in my life when the SCA held great appeal. I wanted to be a light weapons fighter. I wanted to look good. I wanted to do well. And somewhere in there I stepped off the path.

Yesterday, I listened to an explanation of many of the Society's awards. I heard a duchess say, in essence, "If you do what you enjoy because you enjoy it, the awards will come to you" and "If you're doing something for an award, you're doing it for the wrong reason." To me, that's common sense. It reminded me, however, of how I felt when I unofficially 'left' the Society (that is to say, I gave up trying to participate). I felt as though nothing I had done had been recognized. And while I had not be doing those things for recognition, I had reached the point of feeling bad about it. I knew that if I went forward in the Society from there, I would want/expect some recognition... and I felt that desire would make me less worthy of it.

Rather than walk that road, I left. It was a choice. It wasn't as clear cut as that - it took longer, and it wasn't entirely conscious, but it was a choice. Oh, I went to a few events afterward, but I didn't do it to be in the SCA and I didn't put any real effort into it.

Yesterday reminded me of all that - a slightly bitter experience. It also showed me I am not ready to go back to that. I don't know if I ever will be.

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