Sexuality
Part two of... maybe just two. Personal stuff and the best warning I can give is "don't look if you don't want to know."
Writing on weighty issues has always been easier for me than talking about them. Still, even in text, some things are difficult to put forth. Sex is one of them. Oh sure, I have characters that throw the topic around like it's nothing, but that hardly counts.
So why is this such a touch topic for me? I'm not entirely sure. Maybe all that moving as a kid kept me from developing bonds with friends at the time others are talking about such things. Maybe it's just *me*. Either way, I've never really discussed it. Sure, there were magazines I saw at an age that would be frowned on. Yes, my parents bought me a book one year, and there was "sex ed" in school. For all that, I'm just not comfortable with the topic. Throw in the vast amounts of information of all sorts on the internet, and I'm a warped little bundle of theoretical knowledge with very close to zero practical experience.
Yeah, 29 and I can say I've not actually had intercourse. Take THAT, STDs! *smirk*
Oh, I tend to myself often enough... probably too often, really, but when was the last time I used the word "masterbation" aloud? Hmm... some length of time between one year and a lifetime, I imagine.
The sole sexual encounter I can claim was with Samantha, and all the physical awkwardness that goes with that situation. I can't say I performed well, and I don't know if I can blame that on exhaustion, said situational awkwardness, or if it's due to something else entirely.
... ... How do I say this? I honestly don't know if I'm capable of having sex with someone and enjoying it like I should. All the stories out there make it out to be more exciting to be touched by someone else, but after so many years of relying on fantasy in my mind's eye and my own touch... I fear I may be conditioned to that.
And... I guess that's about the size of it. I've never been absolutely comfortable with sex, but now... now I'm downright insecure and afraid. I have far too much doubt to just dive into bed with someone, no matter how attracted to them I may be.
Writing on weighty issues has always been easier for me than talking about them. Still, even in text, some things are difficult to put forth. Sex is one of them. Oh sure, I have characters that throw the topic around like it's nothing, but that hardly counts.
So why is this such a touch topic for me? I'm not entirely sure. Maybe all that moving as a kid kept me from developing bonds with friends at the time others are talking about such things. Maybe it's just *me*. Either way, I've never really discussed it. Sure, there were magazines I saw at an age that would be frowned on. Yes, my parents bought me a book one year, and there was "sex ed" in school. For all that, I'm just not comfortable with the topic. Throw in the vast amounts of information of all sorts on the internet, and I'm a warped little bundle of theoretical knowledge with very close to zero practical experience.
Yeah, 29 and I can say I've not actually had intercourse. Take THAT, STDs! *smirk*
Oh, I tend to myself often enough... probably too often, really, but when was the last time I used the word "masterbation" aloud? Hmm... some length of time between one year and a lifetime, I imagine.
The sole sexual encounter I can claim was with Samantha, and all the physical awkwardness that goes with that situation. I can't say I performed well, and I don't know if I can blame that on exhaustion, said situational awkwardness, or if it's due to something else entirely.
... ... How do I say this? I honestly don't know if I'm capable of having sex with someone and enjoying it like I should. All the stories out there make it out to be more exciting to be touched by someone else, but after so many years of relying on fantasy in my mind's eye and my own touch... I fear I may be conditioned to that.
And... I guess that's about the size of it. I've never been absolutely comfortable with sex, but now... now I'm downright insecure and afraid. I have far too much doubt to just dive into bed with someone, no matter how attracted to them I may be.
I think you'd learn to "enjoy it like [you] should" - but sex is one of those odd things in life- everyone talks about how great it is, but for most of the people _I_ know, at least, it certainly isn't great at first. But I wouldn't recommend just diving into bed with someone, anyway... *shrug* Good sex has a lot to do with practice and communication. So once you find someone and choose to try it - don't give up on it if it's not earth-shattering the first time... ;-) What can I say? I never gave up my faith in you - even for things you haven't tried yet.
ReplyDeleteExcuse my being incoherant. These are in no particular order, and may not be terribly useful. They're just things I thought about when I read your post. I hate to break this to you, chico, but you're not a freak. Sex is like anything else--it takes practice. From what I've noticed, the most important attribute in a lover is a sense of humor. Because sex is awkward and foolish, and you need somebody who will laugh when you put your elbow in their ribs and kiss it better when they crack their forehead against your nose. In a weird way, it's like tackling some sport when you've read all the rules but you've never actually tried it: your feet and your body keep trying to go in opposite directions. As far as fantasies go . . . don't worry so much. Neither fantasy nor reality is inherantly "better" than the other. Sometimes you find someone who's interested in making your collective fantasies come true. Sometimes half the fun is trying something different. From everyone I've talked to, your body does get used to how you get off on your own. (Of course, in the circles I'm used to, that just makes the point that it's important to talk to your lover about what works and what doesn't, since we're none of us mind readers). For me, personally, I've never come during sex. I've never had a boyfriend or a lover long enough to sort that out. That doesn't mean I enjoy it any less. I get different things out of sex than I do masturbation. I had to explain to one nervous friend, once, that I can have an orgasm any time I want. The experience of being skin-on-skin with another human being is something else again. Not better, not worse, just . . . something else. And it's never about just hopping into bed with someone. (Or at least, I hope it isn't, or I mis-read my lecher's handbook). Most people I know have to trust someone to a certain degree to go to bed with them. When you're having sex, you're vulnerable to your lover in ways that have nothing to do with body or nudity. For me . . . I have sex. I also have romantic relationships. Sometimes the two coincide, and sometimes they don't. A friend of mine looks at her relationships a little differently. She said she was always taught to think that the only reason to get into a relationship was to have it be forever. That got her married and then divorced in short order. She's finally decided that you get into every relationship for a reason. And that reason may have everything to do with growth as a person, or support during tough times, or enjoying the company of somebody who makes her laugh. It may not be for forever. But that doesn't mean that it isn't a positive thing in her life. And if you think saying any of this is easy, especially when I know you're probably going to turn several shades of red, you are misled. I can do it. I can make it look easy. But it's just a matter of practice. I think it's harder because I remember being exactly where you're talking about being--only I was twenty and about a thousand years old inside my head, and hadn't never been touched. Sometimes it's harder to talk to someone who reminds me of me than it would be to talk to someone who's coming from a totally alien place.
ReplyDeleteApril's already covered most of what I would say, and I'll call a hearty second on the "It takes practice" bit. The other thing I'd add is a bit from Dan Savage. You'll probably find this embarrassing, so I apologize in advance: when "tending to yourself", vary your technique. Vary it a lot. Basically, don't get yourself conditioned too much to a particular series of sensations, because later on, well, not every partner is going to deliver that particular set of sensations.
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