Relationships

Well... I'd mentioned being introspective lately. I guess I'll put forth some of that. Mind you, I'm setting this friends-only (or trying), but if you think it's possible I could say something that would qualify as TMI, you may want to pass on this...



When did I deviate from social norm? I don't even know. My parents divorced and I moved around a lot with my mother during my pre-teen years. That probably didn't help. When you don't tend to spend more than two years in any given place, it's hard to develop large circles of friends or deep bonds with anyone. And romantic relationships? Pfft. Only in novel-inspired imagination, if that.

I guess I was 14 when I put my foot down. It strikes me as odd now that *I* made the decision to live with my dad and stepmom, but I was rather sick of moving and Grand Forks, North Dakota wasn't my idea of paradise. Finally, in Durango, I had a place to call "home."

Even settled in one place, though, I didn't really pursue romance through high school. To those girls who I considered friends I was the stereotypical "nice guy" who had qualities that they raved about, but was never someone they felt attracted to. Most of the time, I was fine with that. I entertained myself with books, computer games, and story crafting via DMing. Looking back, I would be tempted to say I was a late bloomer or too busy with other things. Having lived it, though, I have to say I was also an idealist. I had pulled the ideal relationship out of too many novels and expected to see stars when I met the right person. Needless to say, that just didn't happen.

Spending a year at college changed me in a lot of ways, probably few positive. But somehow it was also the time I had my first romantic relationship. What's most mind-boggling to me now is how it seemed to bloom over Christmas break while back home. It lingered through the rest of the year all long-distance like, but really wasn't meant to be even though I shared my first "real" kiss in these days. Maybe she was too forward and I to reserved, but after I came back to Durango things kinda fizzled out. I still had some feelings for her while she moved on to a friend of ours, and I felt as though I'd fallen into playing Lancelot to his Arthur - the difference being this knight wouldn't intrude so far into a couple's relationship as in that classic tale. I came to despise the position of being friend to two lovers.

There was another friend I had a crush on, but I didn't come to realize it until she left for college herself. Of course, she'd been sorta involved with someone else before that anyway, so maybe it's just as well. By this time, I'd decided trying to actively pursue a long-distance relationship was ultimately futile, so I put that aside too.

By then, I had picked up the distraction of roleplaying online. The earlier years at that were pretty scary. The first time I brought up the topic of RL meeting someone I'd had a crush on through this forum, she (in retrospect, I'm not sure I confirmed that) answered with something like "Oh, we'd probably just have sex the whole time." Gah. Some people would jump at that, but I was genuinely shocked and more than a little put off by the thought. That wasn't what I was after.

Then there was Lisa. In addition to RP, there were calls and a few letters traded. I lacked the foresight then that I have now, though. There were enough signs in how our characters interacted to warn of what was to come. She was engaged. Right there, I knew I would never pursue the relationship to a "serious" level. She, however, kept pushing for that. I don't remember when it was, but some day I opened my eyes and saw myself as nothing more than a toy on the side. Contact between us, predictably, waned and lapsed.

Somewhere shortly before or after that, I met Moriah online. Honestly, it's a little scary how well we hit it off. Of course, that wasn't meant to be either. She proved to be married, with a child even. So, again, I put aside any thoughts of seriousness and just enjoyed what I had. And I did enjoy it. I looked forward to talking with her each night, and doing so made the following days seem brighter. I jest not in saying her "presence" via the net could make me feel giddy. It made for one of the best periods in my life. But then came a long talk. The tale she told was... unpleasant at least, perhaps chilling. She was going to jail because her abusing husband was too well-connected where she lived. To this day, I don't know if I entirely believe her story. I wanted to, but there just isn't any way to know what really happened. ... We traded letters for some time afterward, but that slowed and stopped after a couple years. That was probably my fault, and was arguably for the best. I think I'd be in worse shape if I'd been pining over her since.

At some point among all this, I came to call myself a "romantic cynic," explaining "I believe in true love, just not for me." Feh. Time passed and I let myself make more friendships online, even people I can say I love. I don't honestly think I'll spending the rest of my days in bliss with any of them, though. Samantha's situation is "awkward" at best. And even if I could convince myself I'm bisexual enough to pursue something with Graeme, he's shown so little thought toward me in the last couple years that I have no faith anything would work out there.

Of course, there's still real life to think about. I've a friend now who I am attracted to, but I'm still not pursuing anything with. Why? Oh, a myriad of reasons ranging from different long-term goals (I really don't have any desire to have children) to other, interal issues I've yet to deal with.

This entry doesn't touch on those, it's just a recounting of how my emotions have run. I guess... in a sense, it's proof that I'm human... and a test of myself. Some of these relationships have been obvious, some I've never mentioned or admitted to externally. For better or worse, here it is now.